


My Big Lesbian Island Wedding

by Kidfish, lostresidentevilpotter



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Drunken Island Wedding, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:54:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29050239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kidfish/pseuds/Kidfish, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostresidentevilpotter/pseuds/lostresidentevilpotter
Summary: On their 30th day on the island, all the girls get drunk and, out of sheer boredom, hold an island wedding ceremony. When Toni convinces Martha not to marry Marcus, Fatin swoops in and saves the celebration by agreeing to marry Leah.Or, Fatin and Leah get a (drunk) island wedding.
Relationships: Dot Campbell & Fatin Jadmani, Fatin Jadmani/Leah Rilke, Martha Blackburn/Marcus, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 63
Kudos: 349





	My Big Lesbian Island Wedding

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the most fun and least angsty fic I have ever written for anything lol. I had a total blast with it. Huge HUGE shout to my bud Kidfish for inspiring this fic and talking me through the entire thing. You should all thank Kidfish because otherwise this fic would've never existed (and then go check out Kidfish's fics too). Hope you enjoy this!

To celebrate their thirtieth day on the island (“That’s officially one month in Hell, everybody!” Dot announces first thing in the morning, raising the bottle of vodka), they all get shitfaced. Dot starts them off right away, at 9:04 a.m. (Leah may or may not grab Fatin’s wrist while she’s still asleep to check the time) and passes the bottle around. And by the time lunch rolls around, not a single one of them is sober.

Now, they’re varying degrees of drunk. Dot started them off, but she’s probably the most sober of them all, right alongside Rachel, who only took a drink because everyone pressured her to join the fun.

“Fun,” Rachel scoffs right before she takes her one swallow. “Being trapped in this shithole for thirty days with you motherfuckers is anything _but_ fun.”

Then Martha snatches the bottle from her, and somehow, Martha ends up drunker than the rest of them, and that’s saying something.

“You know what would be _amazing_ ,” Martha gushes. She’s lying on her back in the sand, arms and legs splayed out. “If we did something really fun, like an _island wedding_.”

“Marty, a _wedding_?” Toni question. “Shelby and I only just –”

“No, not _your_ wedding,” Martha interrupts. “ _My_ wedding. To Marcus. Obviously.”

“Wait, hold on,” Fatin jumps in. She’s on her feet, but she sways as she walks. “I want in on this.”

“Marcus needs a best man,” Martha points out. “I’d ask you to be maid of honor, but Toni –”

“I’m more than okay being Marcus’s best man,” Toni pipes up. “Fatin can be the maid of honor.”

“Alright, who’s officiating?” Fatin calls. “Any takers?”

“I guess it’ll have to be me,” Shelby sighs. “I’m probably the only one that can recall Bible verses from memory, anyway.”

“You guys can’t be serious,” Rachel says flatly. “This might be the stupidest shit yet.”

“Oh, come on,” Nora says, poking Rachel in the leg with her pen. “You have to admit, it’s a less-depressing way to spend a super depressing day.”

“Watching Martha get fake-married to half of a mannequin?” Rachel questions, raising an eyebrow. “You’re all insane.”

“We’re all _drunk_ ,” Fatin corrects. She grabs Rachel by the shoulders from behind, leaning her weight down onto her. “Come on. You can be a bridesmaid. Unless you’d rather be a groomsman, but you know. Up to you.”

“I’m not being a fucking bridesmaid,” Rachel grumbles. She knocks Fatin’s hands off of her and gets to her feet. “I’ll be a groomsman. You can have Nora for your side.”

Fatin claps her hands together then motions for Nora to follow her. “Come on. We gotta get Martha all dolled up for her big day.”

“Oh my God,” Dot groans from where she’s laying out in the sand. “You guys are really going through with this?” she asks. “And where the fuck did Leah go? Don’t tell me you let her get drunk and run off into the woods.”

“Who’s running off into the woods?” Leah questions as she emerges from the trees.

“You, apparently,” Fatin answers.

“Nice to know you all track my bathroom schedule,” Leah mutters.

“Are you sober?” Fatin asks, squinting her eyes at Leah.

Leah pauses. “Are the rest of you not?”

The vodka bottle gets shoved into Leah’s hand, and shit, if no one else is sober (except Rachel, and it’s not like Leah and Rachel are the best of buds), Leah’s not going to be sober, either.

“You have to pick a side,” Toni tells Leah.

“For what?”

“The wedding,” Martha adds.

“Wedding?” Leah says dumbly. Her eyes shift to Toni and Shelby. “You’re getting married already?”

“No!” Shelby says indignantly while Toni says, “I mean, not yet.”

Martha giggles. “No, silly, my wedding to Marcus!”

Leah somehow manages to look even more confused, and instead of asking any more questions, she drinks more vodka. Fatin grabs onto Leah’s shoulders, resting her chin on top of her hand, and says, “That’s right. Just keep drinking. It’ll be a lot more fun this way.”

“I mean, the groom can’t even say his vows,” Leah points out. “This is going to be fun no matter what happens.”

“You still have to pick a side,” Martha reminds. “Are you a bridesmaid or a groomsman?”

“Oh, she’s a groomsman for sure,” Fatin answers for Leah. She releases her hold on Leah’s shoulders, takes the bottle of vodka from her, and drinks more herself. Fatin swallows, motioning towards Leah, then says, “You’d look really hot in a tux.” As Leah stutters, unable to come up with anything witty to say back, Fatin shouts, “That means you have to be a bridesmaid, Dorothy! It has to be even.”

Dot groans, burying her face in one of Fatin’s jackets. “I started drinking first,” she reminds when Fatin yanks the jacket away and forces Dot to her feet. “I need to sleep it off now.”

“Nope,” Fatin says. “You need to come stand with me and support Martha during her island dream wedding.”

“This is fucking nuts,” Rachel mutters for only Leah to hear, and Leah finds herself nodding.

“I should’ve taken a little longer out there,” Leah replies. “Gone for a hike or something.”

“I’ve got the groom ready,” Toni announces. She drops Marcus into the sand, and she’s gone as far as to button his shirt up so it conceals the bright red dick drawn on him. Shelby walks over to Martha and offers her a hand.

“It’s your big day,” Shelby jokes. She pulls Martha to her feet and leads her over to where Toni left Marcus.

“Come _on_!” Fatin shouts. “Everybody get over here! The wedding’s about to start.”

“This is ridiculous,” Rachel says, but she trudges over to join Toni, Leah following closely behind. Fatin drags Dot over to stand with her and Nora, and Shelby clears her throat, ready to begin. “We’re seriously watching Martha pretend to get married to a mannequin,” Rachel deadpans. “Like seriously. We’re doing this.”

“You’re just not drunk enough to appreciate the sentiment,” Leah replies.

“Not you, too,” Rachel complains.

“That shit hits fast,” Leah chuckles.

“Yeah, when you’re barely eating anything every day, it sure does,” Rachel agrees. “We should all just off ourselves right now.”

“Wait, wait,” Toni interrupts right as Shelby starts talking. Toni stumbles closer, knocking Marcus over, and she takes Martha’s hands in hers.

“Oh my God,” Fatin gasps. “A twist no one saw coming!”

“Shut up, Fatin,” Toni snaps. “I just need to say…I object to this wedding. Marcus isn’t good enough for you, Marty. I know there’s a real man out there who’ll be lucky to have you. Maybe you shouldn’t rush into this.”

Martha giggles uncontrollably. “Maybe you’re right,” Martha concedes. “I’m so sorry, Marcus, but maybe I should reconsider.”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “Of course _you_ would ruin our one shot at some fun out here, Shalifoe,” Fatin whines. Fatin grabs the bottle of vodka and holds it out to Toni. “Never Have I Ever ruined a fucking wedding,” Fatin says. “Better drink.”

Toni obliges, accidentally splashing some of the vodka down her chin, which earns her a mildly concerned look from Shelby. “Maybe we should slow down,” Shelby suggests, gently tugging the bottle away from Toni. “I know we’re doing this to have a little fun, but –” She’s cut off by Toni abruptly kissing her, which immediately draws surprised gasps and a few whistles from the rest of the girls. Leah’s quick to snatch the bottle of vodka out of Shelby’s hand before she can drop it and empty the rest of its contents into the sand.

“You know,” Fatin says, “I thought if anyone would be getting some on this island, it would be _me_.”

“Shut up, Fatin,” Rachel says. She jabs her thumb over her shoulder to where Leah’s standing. “You got some action last week when Rilke planted one on you.”

“Oh my _God_ ,” Leah groans as Fatin grins. “I thought we were being rescued, okay? You don’t have to keep reminding me!”

“No, we definitely do,” Dot laughs. “I mean, come _on_ , out of all of us on this island, you chose to kiss _Fatin_?”

“Hey!” Fatin protests. “I’m obviously the best available option here, no offense to the rest of you –”

“Offense taken,” Rachel cuts in.

Fatin gasps loudly, then, and the girls – minus Toni and Shelby, who are still a little preoccupied – startle like they’re about to be attacked. “I just had the best idea ever,” Fatin announces. She crosses over to where their designated “groomsmen” are huddled together – so Rachel and Leah, and Toni if she wasn’t still attached to Shelby by the face – and holds her hands out to Leah. “Martha may have backed out of marrying Marcus, but that doesn’t mean that _I_ can’t marry my lesbian lover over here.”

“What?” Leah splutters. “We are not – oh my God, we’re totally not lesbian lovers. Like, at all. We’re not – this is not a thing.”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “Stop being so _dramatic_ , Leah. Drink some more vodka. Shit, I’m going to drink more, too. And then we’re going to give all our friends here the experience of a Lesbian Island Wedding.”

“Lesbian Island Wedding!” Dot cheers as Fatin drags Leah over to where Shelby and Toni are still going at it. “I get to be your best man,” Dot tells Fatin. “It’s not even a question. I’m doing it.”

“Well, obviously yes,” Fatin replies. She drops Leah’s hands in order to forcibly break Toni and Shelby apart. “One of you either needs to officiate this wedding, or you need to pick a side, please,” Fatin says.

“Wait, what’s happening?” Toni asks. She’s got a dazed look on her face, and Shelby’s face turns beet red.

“Fatin and Leah are getting married because I dumped Marcus,” Martha informs.

“Oh,” Toni says. “Then we’re on Fatin’s side. Come on.” She takes Shelby’s hand and pulls her to stand over by Dot.

“I’ll officiate,” Martha volunteers.

“Leah needs a maid of honor,” Fatin announces. She motions between Rachel and Nora. “Unless you want it to be Marcus.”

Nora goes and claims Marcus for their side before she says, “I guess I can be the maid of honor, if that’s okay with you, Leah.”

“Of course – wait, I don’t even want to – why is this happening?”

“Because you kissed me – regardless of your intentions – which might as well make us lesbian lovers, even if we aren’t quite on Shelby and Toni’s level _yet_.” Fatin holds her hands out, wiggles her fingers. “So give me your hands, hot stuff. We’re getting married.”

Leah slaps her hands into Fatin’s palms and looks around at the group. “Someone please object,” she begs. She’s met with silence. “Marcus?”

“Oh, he’s so on board with this,” Martha says. “He thinks you two would be a hot couple.”

Fatin busts out laughing at the horrified expression that crosses Leah’s face. “Come on!” Fatin exclaims. “Is getting married to me really the worst thing that could happen to you on this island?”

“I guess not,” Leah mumbles.

Fatin does that obnoxiously loud gasp again before she shouts, “Wait! We can’t get married without _rings_. Quick.” Fatin releases Leah’s hands in order to slap them against Dot’s shoulder, ignoring the way Dot winces and leans away from her. “Go find some of my rings!”

“Jesus, okay,” Dot says, rubbing at her shoulder. “No need to hit me. As your best man, I will make that happen. I promise. Just give me a few minutes.”

Dot trips over her own feet on her way to Fatin’s suitcase, and Leah’s still looking for someone to object.

“Shelby, please,” she hisses.

“I mean, it’s way too early for me and Toni to tie the knot,” Shelby says, “but you and Fatin have known each other a little longer –”

“Not that much longer!”

“Relax, _babe_ ,” Fatin cuts in. “This could be the best decision you’ve ever made. I know how to treat a lady right.”

Leah grabs the bottle of vodka, takes more than a generous gulp, and wipes her chin with the back of her hand. Dot finally returns, one hand closed around what must be the rings, other hand held behind her back.

“Here,” Dot grunts. She waits for Fatin to hold her hand out then dumps at least ten rings into Fatin’s palm. “You have so many fucking rings. I don’t know which ones you want.”

“None of them,” Leah says, but no one seems to hear her.

“What are you holding behind your back?” Fatin asks suspiciously. Leah’s the only one who catches Dot slip the bottle of lube into Fatin’s back pocket then pat her ass.

“You’re gonna need that later,” Dot says.

An evil smile twists its way onto Fatin’s face. “Nah, she won’t need it, but thanks anyway."

“I object!” Leah shouts. “I object to my own wedding, right now!”

“It’s too late, Sweetheart,” Fatin replies. She passes the leftover rings back to Dot, who dutifully tucks them into one of the many pockets of her cargo pants.

“Marcus, please,” Leah says. Maybe she’s a little too drunk to realize she should be asking Rachel or Nora to object on her behalf instead of the mannequin.

“Okay, will our brides please hold hands?” Martha says.

“Hang on,” Fatin says. “I’m not ready.” She holds one of the rings up in front of Dot and tells her, “When we’re given permission, you need to give me this to give to Leah.”

“I know how this shit works, Fatin,” Dot retorts, snatching the ring out of Fatin’s hand. “I watch TV, you know.”

“And Nora,” Fatin says, leaning over to hold out the other ring. “That’s for Leah to give to me when Martha gives us the okay.”

“Got it,” Nora says, nodding solemnly.

“Guys, for real,” Leah says. “This is ridiculous –” She’s cut off when Fatin presses her fingers to Leah’s lips.

“This is happening, honey,” Fatin tells her. “You’re going to be my official Island Lesbian Lover for the rest of our lives…or until we’re rescued and reintegrated into society. Whichever happens first.”

“ _Reintegrate_ is a pretty big word for you, Fatin,” Toni jokes.

“No more talking,” Fatin declares. She grabs Leah’s hands in both her own, ignoring the daggers Leah’s shooting at her. “Martha. Take it away, sweetie.”

“You know, I don’t really know what I’m doing,” Martha admits, scratching at her neck. “And I’m pretty drunk, so. I don’t know. If you two have anything you’d like to say to each other – oh! Like the vows. Yeah. The vows. Go for that. Um, Fatin, you can go first.”

Fatin inhales deeply, stares Leah straight in the eye. “Leah Rilke. Your eyes are fucking gorgeous, and I know we’ve only kissed once, but I will say, it was a pretty damn good kiss, and that’s enough for me.”

Leah blinks. “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got.”

“Come on, Fatin!” Toni says. “You can do better than that!”

“And I promise to hold you and cherish you and love you until I die or what the fuck ever,” Fatin says, rolling her eyes.

“You know, you’re every girl’s dream, Fatin,” Leah says sarcastically. “I want a fucking divorce, and we aren’t even married yet.”

Fatin sighs in the most exaggerated manner possible. “Fine. But I can make you one real promise, okay?”

Leah rolls her eyes. “Yeah. Okay. What is it? To be by my side as my lesbian lover forever and ever or until we get off the island?”

“I promise you…the sex will _always_ be mind-blowingly good. We won’t even need the lube Dorothy so graciously put in my back pocket.”

Toni whistles, Dot smiles proudly, and Leah’s face burns bright red. Fatin smirks then winks at Leah in a manner that is in no way a joke, and Leah takes a very sudden interest in the sand.

“You were right,” Rachel says to no one in particular. “This is fucking worth every minute of our time.”

“Leah, I think it’s time for your vows,” Toni calls. “They can’t be much shittier than Fatin’s, so at least you’ve got that going for you.”

“Guys, I’m the one who already wants a divorce, remember?” Leah snaps.

“Oh, come on,” Dot says. “There’s gotta be at least a few nice things you could say about Fatin.”

Fatin nods. “Come on, Leah. I’m waiting.”

“Um,” Leah says, teeth sinking into her lower lip. Everyone’s eyes are on her. She can’t see Rachel and Nora behind her, but she can feel them staring at the back of her head. Fuck, even Marcus is staring her down. “Fatin, you…” And then their last month on the island smacks Leah in the face, and the words all come tumbling out. “You have been the only person here on this island to notice when shit gets bad for me. And no offense to the rest of you, but you’re also the only person who cares enough to do something about it. I’m pretty sure I’d be dead by now without you here – and without Rachel pulling me out of the ocean, but still. You’re the only person keeping me grounded.”

Silence. Toni and Shelby exchange a look. Nora stares down at the ring in her hand. Rachel’s eyebrows raise, and when she locks eyes with Dot, Dot just shrugs.

“Wow,” Fatin finally says. “Now I know I chose the right woman to be my lesbian lover during the rest of our time on this island.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Leah mumbles.

“So all it takes for Leah to get all mushy is for Fatin to promise her some action,” Toni heckles.

“Toni, shush,” Shelby says, knocking her shoulder into Toni’s. “Let them have their moment.”

“We aren’t having a moment!” Leah argues.

“Okay!” Martha interjects, clapping her hands together. The sound startles everyone else out of their stunned silence, and now they’re starting to get antsy. “It’s time for the rings, I think. So, Mr. – I mean, Miss Best Man and Miss Maid of Honor, please hand them to our lovely brides.”

Leah’s happy to have the excuse to turn around and take the ring from Nora. At least it keeps her eyes away from the unexpectedly soft look on Fatin’s face for a few moments.

“Here you go, Champ,” Dot says, slapping the ring into Fatin’s hand then clapping her on the shoulder. “Your days of whoring around are almost over.”

“Please,” Fatin snorts. “My days of whoring around have _been_ over, thanks to this fucking island.”

“Okay, I still don’t know exactly how this goes,” Martha giggles. “Anyway, Fatin, do you take Leah to be your lesbian lover, to have and to hold, especially in sickness but also in health, until we all find a way out of this place?”

“You know I do, baby,” Fatin says, doing a little shimmy and winking yet again. “Give me your hand, Rilke. This shit is gonna be official.”

“You have my hands in yours, right now,” Leah points out.

“Oh, right.”

“Get it together, Fatin!” Toni shouts.

“Drunk weddings are always a mistake,” Nora pipes up.

“Fatin, that’s my right hand,” Leah says.

“I totally knew that,” Fatin scoffs. She misses Leah’s finger twice, almost drops the ring on her third try.

“For someone who talks a big game, I thought you’d be better with your fingers,” Leah says, and it surprises both herself and the rest of the girls.

“Put this shit on yourself,” Fatin grumbles, but she almost looks a little impressed. There’s definitely a strange glint in Fatin’s eye.

“There’s no reason to take it this far,” Leah says, but she puts the fucking ring on anyway. Her eyes bulge at the rock on that thing. “Is this a real diamond?”

“Well, duh,” Fatin says. “It’s definitely not fake. What do I look like?”

“I can’t –”

“Shut up. Give me my ring already,” Fatin interrupts.

“Hang on,” Martha jumps in. “Leah, do you take Fatin to be your lesbian lover, to have and to hold, especially in sickness but also in health, until we all find a way out of this place?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Leah says. “I do.”

As drunk as she is, at least she gets the ring on Fatin’s correct finger in one try. And only then does it truly occur to Leah what usually happens at this stage of a wedding. Her eyes widen before the words are even out of Martha’s mouth.

“I don’t know which one of you wants to take the lead,” Martha says. “I guess it doesn’t matter. Kiss the bride!” Martha announces, throwing her hands up in the air. She stumbles back a little, knocking herself off balance.

And before Leah ever gets the chance to protest, Fatin yanks her forward, and the only reason Leah doesn’t end up on her face is because Fatin never really lets go of her. It’s almost a little painful, the force at which their faces crush together, and this kiss is nothing like the borderline slaphappy one Leah had planted on Fatin when they saw that plane fly over. Since Fatin knows this one is coming, she’s ready for it. One hand lands at Leah’s waist, the other at the back of Leah’s head, and there’s really no way out for Leah. She’s stuck kissing Fatin for the second time in her life, at their fucking fake lesbian island wedding.

Someone fucking whistles – it’s either Toni or Dot, Leah can’t really tell while her lips are attached to Fatin’s – and Nora fucking claps. This kiss, which Leah expects to last about five seconds, keeps dragging on. Fatin just keeps kissing her. And it’s not like it’s bad – not at all. Probably the best kiss of Leah’s fucking life so far, except everyone’s kind of still staring at them. It’s like Fatin isn’t aware of that fact, though, because her tongue slips into Leah’s mouth, and while this is totally inappropriate for any kind of wedding ever – even a fake lesbian island dream wedding – all Leah’s drunk brain can come up with is, _ah, well, what’re you gonna do? You’re not going to break Fatin’s hold on you, so just ride it out_.

“Oh, shit!” Rachel exclaims at the exact moment that they all watch Leah decide to give it her all and kiss Fatin back with the same amount of eagerness she seems to be receiving from Fatin. Leah knows she catches Fatin off guard even if she doesn’t deter her. In fact, it seems to spur Fatin on, and her hand slides from Leah’s waist down to her ass, drawing another whistle out of Toni. Leah’s sure it’s Toni this time. Leah’s fingers dig into Fatin’s shoulders, hard enough to bruise, but even so, Fatin’s tongue stays in her mouth.

Surprisingly, Toni pulls them out of it. “Get a room!” Toni yells. “Come on! We’ve got other things to get through today.”

Fatin pulls back with a wet smack, twisting her head around to shoot Toni a glare. Unsurprisingly, Fatin keeps her hand on Leah’s ass. “Yeah? Like what?” Fatin challenges.

“Like going on a hike with my girlfriend,” Toni retorts. “So hurry it up.”

“A hike,” Fatin scoffs. Leah reaches back and removes Fatin’s hand from her ass herself, and Fatin doesn’t even seem to notice. “Please, we all know what that really means.”

“There will be no hikes while we’re all drunk,” Dot declares. She knocks her hand against Fatin’s back. “But congratulations. You know, I never thought I’d see the day where you’d tie yourself down to one person. I’m, like, super proud.”

“Shut up,” Fatin says. “It’s only until we’re off the island.”

“So what are we supposed to call you now?” Nora asks. Leah’s head is starting to spin, and she continues to hold onto Fatin’s shoulders to keep herself on her feet. Martha has given up, sprawled out on her back in the sand. When everyone stares blankly at Nora, Nora adds, “You know, like who’s taking whose last name?”

“You know, we probably should’ve talked about this sooner, but I’m not taking your last name,” Fatin says.

“I’m not fucking taking yours, either,” Leah retorts.

“You can do that hyphenating shit,” Dot suggests. “Jadmani-Rilke.”

“No fucking way,” Leah argues. “If we’re doing that, it’s going to be Rilke-Jadmani. It sounds better.”

“No it doesn’t,” Fatin snorts.

“You know, statistically, hyphenated last names tend to go in alphabetical order,” Nora informs. “So technically, if you want to follow the trend, it should be Jadmani-Rilke.”

“Jadmani-Rilke. Final offer,” Fatin says.

“God, fine,” Leah sighs. And that’s enough to settle the issue. Everything starts returning to normal. Martha’s passed out in the sand, snoring, and Nora drags Marcus over to keep her company.

“Toni may have derailed their wedding, but she didn’t derail their love,” Nora says, and Rachel snorts with laughter before she can contain herself.

“I said no hikes!” Dot shouts, pointing a finger at Toni and Shelby, who were totally _not_ trying to sneak off into the woods.

“God, fine,” Toni complains. A smile flickers on Shelby’s face as they join the others around the fire. Toni drops to the sand next to Fatin, whining about Dot being a cockblock. Fatin watches her amusedly before her eyes shift over to the opposite side of the fire where Leah’s sitting, twisting the ring around her finger. She stops more than once to inspect the diamond, to watch the way the sunlight glints off of it. “You know, I was thinking,” Toni says, and her words only slur together a little bit.

“You? Thinking?” Fatin says. “That’s never good.”

“I was thinking about your vows, Fatin,” Toni says. “You know, the whole _your eyes are so fucking gorgeous, Leah, why don’t we go fuck behind some bushes_ line?”

“That’s not what I said,” Fatin says, waving her hand, “but please, proceed with your point.”

“Just for the record,” Toni says, “Shelby has the prettiest eyes on the island. I said what I said.”

Leah glances up and over at them, momentarily ceasing her fidgeting with the ring on her finger. The ring that she supposes symbolically ties her to Fatin for the duration of their stay on the island.

“Um, I don’t think so,” Fatin scoffs. “My wife’s got the prettiest eyes out of all you motherfuckers on this island. It’s not even close. No offense, Shelby.”

“Please, stop,” Leah says, covering her face with her hand. “I’m not your wife.”

Fatin points over at Leah’s hand. “Pretty sure you’re my wife, baby. You’re wearing my ring. At least until we’re out of here.”

“Leah, I think your eyes are very pretty,” Shelby says.

“Yeah, I want nothing to do with this conversation,” Leah replies. “And Fatin’s not really my wife, so. It doesn’t really matter. You can have the title of Prettiest Eyes on the Island, Shelby. I don’t really care.”

“See? My wife just won the title,” Toni boasts.

“Your _wife_?” Fatin exclaims. “Honey, you couldn’t even commit.” She holds her hand up, flashing her ring to the entire group. “Where are _your_ rings at?” she challenges.

“Oh, damn, man,” Rachel says. “She’s got you there.”

“Yeah,” Fatin agrees. “So respectfully, fuck off. My _wife_ has the prettiest eyes,” Fatin says. Suddenly, Leah’s hovering over where Fatin’s sitting, casting a shadow over Fatin, Toni, and Shelby. Fatin looks up at her, eyebrows raised. “What’s up?” Fatin asks. Leah holds both her hands out, and after a moment of staring, Fatin takes them and lets Leah haul her up.

“Hey, hey,” Dot says. “Where are you two going?”

“Yeah, I’d like to know, too,” Fatin agrees.

“You know, Fatin, you don’t have to keep complimenting me to try to get in my pants,” Leah says. “We’re married now. All you had to do is ask. So to answer your question, Dot, we’re going on our fucking honeymoon.”

Fatin’s eyes widen, jaw hangs open as her eyes lock with Toni’s. Leah pulls her along, though, as the rest of the girls sit in stunned silence. Then Martha lifts her head and says, “Well, I think Marcus has the prettiest eyes on the island.”

“Martha,” Nora says, “Marcus doesn’t even have a head.”

“So what? He doesn’t need one for me to know his eyes are the prettiest.”

They all stare at Martha with mild concern for a long moment before she lays her head back down and passes out again, arm flung across Marcus’s chest. Then the group’s eyes turn to Leah and Fatin, who slowly retreat down the beach. They’re not quite holding hands. More like Leah’s holding onto Fatin’s fingers, and that’s mostly to keep herself from falling over since Fatin’s not the type to ever lose her balance in any situation.

“They’re totally gonna fuck,” Toni says.

“What?” Shelby says. “No way. This is all totally a joke.”

“I’m pretty sure Fatin’s pretty serious about this,” Toni snorts.

“But Leah isn’t,” Shelby argues. “Sure, she went along with it so we could all have some fun, but they aren’t about to…have sex.”

“Ten bucks says they fuck before the night is over,” Toni says.

“We don’t have any money,” Nora points out.

“When we get out of here, we’ll settle this shit,” Toni replies. “Don’t worry. I won’t forget.”

“I’ll take that bet,” Rachel says. “Twenty says it happens in the woods close enough to camp for all of us to hear it.”

“Thirty says Fatin makes Leah scream,” Dot chimes in, and Shelby chokes on her mouthful of water.

“Fifty says they fuck on the beach where any of us could find them,” Nora says casually, and Shelby chokes a second time. “ _And_ Leah makes _Fatin_ scream.”

Everyone else, except Shelby who’s still just attempting to breathe again, erupts into laughter.

“There’s no fucking way, Nor,” Rachel says. “They are not _that_ dumb.”

Nora just shrugs. “You should be happy, then. No one will owe me fifty dollars when this is all over.”

Fatin returns sometime within the next hour to grab an armful of stuff out of her suitcase. When she notices all the eyes on her, she says, “What?”

“Where are you going?” Rachel asks.

“Back to my _wife_ ,” Fatin replies.

Rachel huffs, eyes locked on the bundle of clothes Fatin’s holding protectively against her chest. “What’re you gonna do? Lay out under the stars?” Rachel taunts.

“Maybe,” Fatin says. “What’s it to you, anyway?”

“I mean, c’mon, Fatin, it’s a fucking joke,” Toni says. “You guys can come back here.”

“We’re actually fine, thank you,” Fatin says, flashing a smile. “Don’t worry about us.”

“They’re letting this shit go to their heads,” Dot says. “They’re doing this to fuck with us now, you know that, right? They’re going to pretend to be married until we get out of here, because we all needed some entertainment on our thirtieth day in this shithole. And now they’re going to be as fucking insufferable as Toni and Shelby over here.”

“Hey!” Toni exclaims. “But you’re right. They’re gonna be unbearable. They’re going to rub this thing in our face forever.”

“I think I wanna change my bet,” Rachel says. “Ten says the only fucking they do is with us for thinking they’re actually into each other.”

“You’re probably right,” Dot agrees. She lays back in the sand, exhaling heavily. “That’s it. After today, no more drinking. This got way too out of hand. And now Leah and Fatin are going to build their own fucking camp, and Fatin’s going to take all her shit with her.”

“It was fun, though,” Nora says. “While it lasted.”

They all agree on that.

When Martha finally wakes up sometime in the middle of the night, she swears she hears something. She lifts her head off Marcus’s chest, grunting at the pounding headache she’s got thanks to their festivities. She looks around their camp, from person to person. Everyone’s asleep, but something isn’t right. Martha starts counting. There’s Toni and Shelby, shamelessly tangled together now that their fling isn’t quite a secret anymore. There’s Rachel and Nora, who pretend like they don’t sleep back-to-back every night. And then there’s Dot –

Wait. What happened to Leah and Fatin?

And then that _sound_ , off in the distance but not too far, happens again – and Martha puts the pieces together.

“Oh my God! You guys! Wake up!” Martha shouts. She goes around, nudging people with her foot until they’re all grumbling. “I think something’s wrong! Leah and Fatin are missing, and –” The sound is louder this time, and Toni’s eyebrows shoot toward her hairline. Before she can say anything, Martha screams, “I think Fatin is dying!” and goes running up the beach.

“No, Marty, wait!” Toni yells. She scrambles to her feet, sprinting after Martha, while the rest of the group sits in a rather awkward silence.

“Is that –?” Rachel finally dares to ask.

“That’s definitely Fatin,” Dot confirms.

“How the fuck would you know that?” Rachel demands.

Dot shrugs. “When you know, you know, man. Best friend superpower or some shit.”

“Wait. If that’s Fatin…” Shelby says. All eyes land on Nora.

Nora just smiles. She has no explanation to offer them. “Guess you guys have to pay up when we get home,” Nora says.

Martha and Toni return a few minutes later. Martha’s got a shell-shocked look on her face, but Toni just smirks.

“We all owe Nora fifty,” Toni says. “I’d be mad, but honestly, I’m impressed.”

“Wait, so – what was happening out there?” Dot asks.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Martha whispers. She lies back down on Marcus and closes her eyes.

“Let her think it was a bad dream,” Toni suggests. “We both got the eyeful of a lifetime.”

“Wait,” Shelby says sharply. Her hand lands on Toni’s knee. “What were they doing?”

Toni’s lips part as she tries to think of a way to explain what they saw. “Well, Dot, I’m pretty sure your inventory is incomplete thanks to Fatin again.”

“What?” Dot says. “What the fuck did she hide from me now?”

“Fatin knows how to ride a dick,” Toni says. “I’ll give her that.”

“That _fucker_!” Dot exclaims. “It was supposed to be a _comprehensive inventory_.”

“Fuck this shit,” Rachel says. She gets to her feet. “I’m sleeping down there tonight,” she informs, pointing in the opposite direction of Leah and Fatin.

“You know, I would totally go bitch at Fatin for hiding shit,” Dot says, “but I would be a terrible friend if I denied her this orgasm.”

“Come on,” Toni says, holding her hands out to Shelby. “I think we’re sleeping in the woods tonight.”

“Guys, no,” Dot whines. “Jesus.”

“Well, me and Martha are still here,” Nora points out. “But I can sleep through anything, so good luck, Dot.”

Dot doesn’t sleep. No, she’s going to wait for those two bitches to get back here. And that’s exactly what she does. Rachel, Toni, and Shelby all return to camp before Fatin and Leah. In fact, it’s probably almost noon before they come into sight, but Dot wouldn’t know, because Fatin’s got the watch on her wrist. Fatin’s holding the same bundle of clothes in her arms as the last time she’d left camp, but thankfully, both Leah and Fatin are fully clothed. But they’re giving each other disgusting, like _we just fucked all night where our friends could hear us so maybe we do have feelings for each other_ eyes, and Dot can’t stand it.

“Hey!” Dot calls, and those disgustingly cute looks on both Leah’s and Fatin’s faces disappear. “My inventory was _supposed_ to be comprehensive, man. I let it slide with the toothbrush, but you brought a fucking dildo and didn’t say anything?”

Fatin has the audacity to look indignant. “Well, it’s not like any of _you_ were going to use it! I just wanted to have one fucking orgasm, okay? You guys know I can’t do it myself!”

“She’s got a point,” Rachel says. “But next time, be a little quieter about it, please.”

“Wait,” Martha says, looking between Fatin and Leah. “That wasn’t a dream?”

“I think the hickeys all over Leah’s neck should tell you it wasn’t a dream,” Rachel says, smirking.

“If anyone else has a thing for someone here, speak now. We gotta work out a schedule,” Dot says. “It’s bad enough that Fatin and Leah _and_ Toni and Shelby are getting some, so if there’s _anyone else_ , speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Rachel raises her hand. Everyone gawks at her, Leah and Fatin included. Then Rachel busts out laughing. “I’m just fucking with you guys,” she says. “I would never.”

“Do Marcus and I count?” Martha asks.

“Only if you’re fucking him,” Fatin says.

It gets eerily quiet.

“Okay, then,” Dot says. “I’m gonna say that’s no one. I’m serious about a schedule, guys. I can’t handle Leah and Fatin _and_ Toni and Shelby running off to fuck at the same time. We still have shit to do.”

“Right, right, surviving and whatever,” Fatin dismisses. She drops her bundle of clothes back into her suitcase then pauses. “No one go through that,” she warns. “I’m telling you right now. Just don’t do it.” Fatin walks over to Dot, reaches into her back pocket, and drops something into Dot’s lap. Right as Dot realizes the bottle is a lot lighter than yesterday, Fatin says, “Turns out we needed the lube after all.”

*

“I mean, we all knew since our thirtieth day on the island that we’d all be here together, some day,” Dot says.

“Oh my God, no,” Leah groans. She puts her face in her hands then leans into Fatin for support, but Fatin’s enjoying Dot’s best man speech way too much to care if Leah’s embarrassed.

“So I’d like to propose a toast, to Fatin and Leah Jadmani-Rilke. This is to finding love on a deserted island.” Everyone raises their glass before Dot adds, “And I’d like to give a special mention to Fatin, for going a whole thirty days before getting an orgasm in. I love you.”

After the toast, Nora nudges Toni’s leg under the table. “What?” Toni says.

“You still owe me,” Nora says.

“Owe you? For what?”

“Ugh, _Toni_ ,” Shelby sighs. “I thought you took care of this at our wedding.”

“Took care of what?”

“The bet,” Nora says. “I won the bet, and you _still_ haven’t paid me the fifty dollars yet.”

“What bet?” Toni scoffs. “We never made a bet.”

“On the island, Sweetheart,” Shelby reminds her. “We all owed Nora fifty dollars since Leah and Fatin…um, consummated their lesbian island marriage in exactly the way Nora said they would.”

“Yeah, how the fuck did you even know that?” Toni says. “You must’ve cheated. Did they tip you off?” Toni demands. Still, she slaps the money onto the table in front of Nora.

Nora just smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!


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